Another rewrite

[igenlode]

Oops, I did it again -- apparently I just can't stop sticking my fingers in other people's pies :-(

But I did rather like the way this one came out in the end, and don't want to throw it away...



The author said she didn't know how to write romance, and wasn't sure she liked this any more.

Their eyes, while similar in color, were very different to one another

Ellie’s eyes were like the summer sky
When people saw them they could almost see the sun shining from them
But they still weren’t near as bright as the girl standing behind them

They were the sky but they kept him grounded
When he looked into them they gave him an atmosphere where he could breathe
Her bright eyes kept him where he was supposed to be, right there with her

Kasten’s eyes were as deep as the ocean, a darker blue
They drew people in, he didn’t know why, he couldn’t see the beautiful waves crashing
But even the ferocious waves couldn’t portray the amount of elegant everlasting, force of the boy who had them

She could get lost in the depths of the waves for hours
They were dark and mysterious but she could see perfectly
The waves pushed her where she was supposed to be, right there with him

Their eyes, while very different from one another, fit perfectly together

Only when looking into the endless sky her eyes held, while standing on ground next to her, does he feel like he can fly

Only when sinking herself into the depths of ocean does she feel like she's not drowning

The mysteries of the wind and water, sun and waves, are only hidden when they fall asleep in each other's arms, where they are both safe

Their eyes, while seemingly nothing more than eyes, hold wonders no one else knows, just them, together, safe.

Their eyes were both blue, but in other ways they couldn't have been more different.

Ellie's eyes were bright as the summer sky, and sometimes Karsten wondered how anyone could see anything else when she was around. It was a sky he could lose himself in, and yet above all it was she who kept him grounded. Her bright eyes kept him where he was supposed to be, right there with her.

Kasten's eyes were darker, sometimes stormy, like the crashing of waves in the sea, and the sheer force of his personality overwhelmed her. But she was never lost. She could slip into the depths of that ocean and be borne up on his constancy and strength, as if the great tides there carried her only, inevitably, to the place where she was supposed to be. With him, here at his side.

The two of them fitted together; wind and water, sun and waves. Only at Ellie's side, standing secure beneath that sky, did he feel as if he could fly -- only in Karsten's arms, enclosed by depths of ocean, could she be sure she was no longer drowning.

When they were lying secure in one another's arms, falling asleep, there were no more mysteries in their gaze. Only the wonder that no-one else could know. Just them together, safe.

Comments

[betweensunandmoon]

Awww, this is sweet.

[igenlode]

Thanks. I was trying to come up with something that would actually sound plausible in terms of extended metaphor (nobody sees waves crashing when they look into anybody's eyes, but 'stormy' is an accepted description of an facial expression...), and something that would work as real prose, instead of the 'freestyle poem' format.

And something that would in fact sound romantic to me, which the original didn't :-(