Another version

[igenlode]

All right, I think we have a new version of that final quatrain of the first verse; part of the problem was that the rhythm, as dictated by the underlying melody, is not heterogenous along each line, so if I want to use the word 'intricate' (for example) there is only *one* position in the entire line where it can be fitted, which is the one with multiple unstressed syllables after it at the start -- otherwise it becomes INtriCATE, which doesn't fall naturally in English and hence sounds forced and comical. And then there is the old problem that English requires either a definite or indefinite article before a noun and Russian doesn't, which means that in Russian, as in this case, you can have a single-syllable preposition followed immediately by a noun/adjective, where in English you need an *minimum* of two syllables to do the same thing: it has to be "in a" or "by the" or "for a". All of which is to say that if you have a word that needs to be located precisely on the second syllable of the line, you can't precede it with a preposition and hence can't use the same grammatical structure as the existing previous attempt, with a rather more drastic rewrite thus being required :-(

The word-order of the original Russian actually is a bit mashed up at this point thanks to poetic licence, so I can decently get away with a little enjambement, I hope...

Literal translation at this point:

Of the complicated earthly carousel
He takes care, and himself no longer remembers
How many, in order to save me,
Miracles he had accomplished from time to time.

Old version:

Across the weary whirling world enduring
He watches, and himself cannot recall
What miracles on my behalf procuring
The angel has accomplished, all in all.

New version:

Our intricate revolving world lies under
His care, and he himself cannot recall
How many times on my behalf he conjured
His miracles to save me, all in all.

---

I wasn't terribly happy with it, but I'm warming to it somewhat now that I see it in print...

Edit -- yet another iteration:

Our intricate revolving world lies under
His care, and he himself cannot recall
What miracles already he has conjured
On my behalf to save me, all in all.

This avoids the "His care/His miracles" line-starting repetition, and somehow feels a little less awkward as an ending, although I can't analyse why. The cost is that it further dislocates the words from the places where they originally occurred ("miracles" being the culminating word of the entire verse in the Russian version: literally "from time to time accomplished he miracles"!)