Original sledge run
18 August 2019 10:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
igenlodeWell, Chapter 2 went down like a lead balloon... (Clearly all the people who said they wanted to see what happened next didn't want that to happen next!)
Falls between two stools on Hans, I suspect; he doesn't become a romantic figure or get redeemed, and he doesn't act as the villain and get punished for it. At any rate, here is the original version of the 'sledge run' passage, from before the rewrite for 'shorter sentences, faster action and getting things in the right order':
Jamming a stone under the front runner, she paused for a moment to rest aching shoulders, checking -- she had taken on a certain responsibility, after all -- that Hans hadn't actually fixed his rope onto the sledge. Then she shrugged free of the shoulder-loops, gripping one firmly in either hand, seated herself squarely on the front of the load, and leaned forward to tweak out the stone she'd wedged in position. Without allowing herself a moment to think about what she was doing, she kicked off. "See you at the bottom!"
The sledge shot forward faster than she'd dreamed possible, down a slope that seemed abruptly steeper than she'd dreamed possible, and she leaned frantically from side to side, trying to keep it running straight between the gully walls. Iron runners thrummed, and the wind tore a sound from her throat that was half terror and half sheer exhilaration. They hit a bump, flew into the air, and came down with a crash that threatened to overturn the load.
"Whoa!" There was a soft drift at the mouth of a side-gully coming up at breakneck speed. For a second or two she thought she was going to miss it and shoot all the way down, out over the lip and onto the bare scree below, a risk that had seemed impossibly remote when she started. Then her desperate attempts at steering bore fruit. The sledge veered right, dug its nose into loose snow, and came to an all too sudden halt. Anna flew off head-first and found herself instantly buried.
After some thrashing, she emerged the right way up, shaking out her hood and blinking. "Oof. That was... quite something."
Laughing breathlessly, she struggled to her feet, still trying to brush herself down. She'd made it about halfway down the steep descent[...]
Hmm. I'm still not certain which version is an improvement. This one is more 'naturally Igenlode', I think; the short partial sentences of the rewrite ("Again, in a long swooping curve") do give more of a feeling of urgency to that specific paragraph. The business about 'things happening in the proper order' I can't really see, because this was the order that I originally discovered them myself -- I didn't know there was a scree at the bottom until Anna saw it coming up to meet her! :-p
But I don't think poor action writing is the problem with the story, anyway; inadequate or rushed motivation, possibly.
Falls between two stools on Hans, I suspect; he doesn't become a romantic figure or get redeemed, and he doesn't act as the villain and get punished for it. At any rate, here is the original version of the 'sledge run' passage, from before the rewrite for 'shorter sentences, faster action and getting things in the right order':
Jamming a stone under the front runner, she paused for a moment to rest aching shoulders, checking -- she had taken on a certain responsibility, after all -- that Hans hadn't actually fixed his rope onto the sledge. Then she shrugged free of the shoulder-loops, gripping one firmly in either hand, seated herself squarely on the front of the load, and leaned forward to tweak out the stone she'd wedged in position. Without allowing herself a moment to think about what she was doing, she kicked off. "See you at the bottom!"
The sledge shot forward faster than she'd dreamed possible, down a slope that seemed abruptly steeper than she'd dreamed possible, and she leaned frantically from side to side, trying to keep it running straight between the gully walls. Iron runners thrummed, and the wind tore a sound from her throat that was half terror and half sheer exhilaration. They hit a bump, flew into the air, and came down with a crash that threatened to overturn the load.
"Whoa!" There was a soft drift at the mouth of a side-gully coming up at breakneck speed. For a second or two she thought she was going to miss it and shoot all the way down, out over the lip and onto the bare scree below, a risk that had seemed impossibly remote when she started. Then her desperate attempts at steering bore fruit. The sledge veered right, dug its nose into loose snow, and came to an all too sudden halt. Anna flew off head-first and found herself instantly buried.
After some thrashing, she emerged the right way up, shaking out her hood and blinking. "Oof. That was... quite something."
Laughing breathlessly, she struggled to her feet, still trying to brush herself down. She'd made it about halfway down the steep descent[...]
Hmm. I'm still not certain which version is an improvement. This one is more 'naturally Igenlode', I think; the short partial sentences of the rewrite ("Again, in a long swooping curve") do give more of a feeling of urgency to that specific paragraph. The business about 'things happening in the proper order' I can't really see, because this was the order that I originally discovered them myself -- I didn't know there was a scree at the bottom until Anna saw it coming up to meet her! :-p
But I don't think poor action writing is the problem with the story, anyway; inadequate or rushed motivation, possibly.
