Royal wedding
2 October 2021 11:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
igenlodeAnother 'sample rewrite' that seemed worth saving: an exercise in trying to pull out the essential from amid a mass of detail to create the desired atmosphere.
"At long last the bride came into view. The roses in her cheeks echoed those in the bouquet she held pressed to her breast, and the smile in her eyes matched that of the husband who awaited her. She came down the aisle as if the creamy sweep of her skirt weighed nothing at all, and her small head, held high, was crowned with a tiara like the gold at the heart of a crocus."
The talented chapel choir above the pews starts to sing a Nordic hymn as the entrance opened, and at last, the royal strawberry-blonde bride appeared in the mirror's view. She was grinning with twinkled, peacock eyes and rosy cheeks towards her smiling husband-to-be while walking towards the altar, holding an elaborate bouquet of colorful flowers with her dainty hands while her long veil trailed after her on the crimson carpeted aisle.
Her vivid wedding ballgown, which comprises a milky close-fitting off-shoulder bodice with flowered shoulder drapes around her bare, freckled shoulders, sweetheart neckline, and a full bell-shaped plain skirt, was certainly eye-catching, reflecting the cheery atmosphere of the chapel. And the golden tiara atop her round head that resembles the crocus of Arendelle made her look shinier.
"At long last the bride came into view. The roses in her cheeks echoed those in the bouquet she held pressed to her breast, and the smile in her eyes matched that of the husband who awaited her. She came down the aisle as if the creamy sweep of her skirt weighed nothing at all, and her small head, held high, was crowned with a tiara like the gold at the heart of a crocus."
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Date: 2021-10-03 12:23 am (UTC)Kristoff/Anna, I'm guessing?
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Date: 2021-10-03 12:38 am (UTC)The style of your rewrite reminded me of Wilde's fairy tales a bit.
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Date: 2021-10-03 06:52 am (UTC)The original is truly painful!
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Date: 2021-10-03 06:53 am (UTC)The visual image that created was - umm...
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Date: 2022-07-25 11:18 pm (UTC)I remember reading this a long time ago, and it looks as if I never got to comment on it.
I like your rewrite so much! And I love how you kept some of the original elements and reworked them into this new iteration. Somehow, it feels like the right balance between description and everything else. It's evocative without being overbearing.
I must say I fully agree with you that it's difficult to write descriptions in a second language. I mean, peacock eyes sounded lovely to me. XD I find the author's effort to create vivid imagery admirable.
Re. descriptions in a second language, I'm quite lucky I decided at some point that I prefer minimalistic descriptions, since I'm now considerably less exposed to the temptation of coming up with awkward wording. :P
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From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2022-07-25 11:23 pm (UTC) - Expand