I think the main problem with this fic (it's a bit hard to be certain what is content and what is editorial comment, since the latter isn't marked out in any way), apart from the obvious inexperience of the author and her desire to write sexual content but inability to make it sound anything other than repellent, is the Curse of the Spell-checker. Just because it doesn't trigger a spell-checker alert doesn't mean that it is actually the right word....
I'm afraid I'm not terribly impressed by the excuse 'but she was only thirteen when she wrote it!', because I have extant work of my own that I wrote at the age of eleven which is rather more competent in terms of vocabulary, sentence structure and punctuation, not to mention spelling. Although it helped that I wasn't sex-obsessed and that I was trying to channel a teenager's voice rather than write an adult character -- my angst-ridden "Titanic" story might have been a fairer comparison. (With hindsight, that one really is a bit juvenile, but then I was excusably juvenile; we just weren't expected to do our literary development in the view of the whole world :-( )
I quite liked the way that 'Brooke' speaks lower-class English rather than being an immaculate Aria or Amethyst Mary-Sue, which makes her more plausible as a pirate's wife, although I suspect the reason for it is that the author thinks Jack's accent is sexy. The idea that Barbossa would drop his Hs in a written note, however, is a little odd :-p (If he were so illiterate to have written the whole thing out phonetically in an attempt at transcription without being able to spell, it would make sense -- ay jak. sins yu tuk sumfink ov miyn... But there's no way he is going to insert in careful apostrophes to show that he is dropping letters that he knows ought to be present.)
I was caught by surprise, as well as Jack, when Brooke "cried herself to sleep" then suddenly grabbed his arm as he tried to escape -- shades of 'Carrie' :-D
"knowing he couldn’t get anywhere tonight" implies that Jack was actually being quite honest when he assured his wife he would be right back and tht he wasn't going to do anything stupid before apparently rushing off to rescue their daughter -- and it does at least mean that all that time spent on soothing Brooke to sleep wasn't being squandered :-p On the other hand, the fact that his rescue attempt consists of walking out on deck and telling his associates he isn't going anywhere is less than impressive!
Apparently Jackie gets 'rapped' before being thrown down on the floor, and then 'ravaged' before her assailant even gets round to taking off his clothes: this scene has a severe problem with the order of events. He then takes her off the 'cold hard floor' at the back of the cave on which he had thrown her down, drags her back out, and throws her down on the 'cold hard floor' where he had originally found her.... Well, I'm sure the floor is cold and hard all over the cave, but I wouldn't have thought it came across as such a marked contrast if that's precisely what she was lying on in the first place ;-p
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2019-09-01 11:40 am (UTC)I'm afraid I'm not terribly impressed by the excuse 'but she was only thirteen when she wrote it!', because I have extant work of my own that I wrote at the age of eleven which is rather more competent in terms of vocabulary, sentence structure and punctuation, not to mention spelling. Although it helped that I wasn't sex-obsessed and that I was trying to channel a teenager's voice rather than write an adult character -- my angst-ridden "Titanic" story might have been a fairer comparison. (With hindsight, that one really is a bit juvenile, but then I was excusably juvenile; we just weren't expected to do our literary development in the view of the whole world :-( )
I quite liked the way that 'Brooke' speaks lower-class English rather than being an immaculate Aria or Amethyst Mary-Sue, which makes her more plausible as a pirate's wife, although I suspect the reason for it is that the author thinks Jack's accent is sexy.
The idea that Barbossa would drop his Hs in a written note, however, is a little odd :-p
(If he were so illiterate to have written the whole thing out phonetically in an attempt at transcription without being able to spell, it would make sense -- ay jak. sins yu tuk sumfink ov miyn... But there's no way he is going to insert in careful apostrophes to show that he is dropping letters that he knows ought to be present.)
I was caught by surprise, as well as Jack, when Brooke "cried herself to sleep" then suddenly grabbed his arm as he tried to escape -- shades of 'Carrie' :-D
"knowing he couldn’t get anywhere tonight" implies that Jack was actually being quite honest when he assured his wife he would be right back and tht he wasn't going to do anything stupid before apparently rushing off to rescue their daughter -- and it does at least mean that all that time spent on soothing Brooke to sleep wasn't being squandered :-p
On the other hand, the fact that his rescue attempt consists of walking out on deck and telling his associates he isn't going anywhere is less than impressive!
Apparently Jackie gets 'rapped' before being thrown down on the floor, and then 'ravaged' before her assailant even gets round to taking off his clothes: this scene has a severe problem with the order of events.
He then takes her off the 'cold hard floor' at the back of the cave on which he had thrown her down, drags her back out, and throws her down on the 'cold hard floor' where he had originally found her.... Well, I'm sure the floor is cold and hard all over the cave, but I wouldn't have thought it came across as such a marked contrast if that's precisely what she was lying on in the first place ;-p
However, I note that while the author's FFnet account still exists (and has favourites on it in a similar style: Jack laughed with her and tossed her onto the bed. He jumped on top of her causing her to expel all air from her lungs -- 240 reviews!) that story is no longer on FFnet. I wonder if she came across this sort of comment :-(