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Traumatised by badfic
Oh dear. I stumbled across this one as the result of a Google search for something else.
I think it comes under the category 'wanks itself' (seriously -- it has little interpolated comments in it)...
Clearly an example of old school fanfic par excellence, from the Mary Sue's name to the vast slab of transcribed lyrics and the typos, tense whiplash and deathless prose ("She looked into his blue-grayish orbs"). I was confused by the M rating, but the author kindly explains that this is due to the 'cussing' in her comments :-p
The Phantom's Jade - Chapter 2 "The Ball and Christine Daae!"
(One can place too much meaning on the presence of the exclamation mark here; all the chapters in this story have exclamation marks in their titles. But referring to a character as 'someone's jade' is not normally considered flattering.)
Here's chapter two and warning Raoul and Christine are in this part and Raoul is a Bitch. Not Christine, she just stands there like an idoit! R&R
(It's hard to believe this author's note isn't parody -- right down to the R&R -- but apparently it's not.
Warning for the mere presence of Raoul and Christine; do even Erik-fans go that far? Also, Raoul has about one line in this chapter and Christine zero, which doesn't seem quite enough to fuel this passion of hate.)
Chapter Title: The Ball and Christine Daae!
Rating:T-M (Some cussing from me!)
(Perhaps you could have restrained yourself in order to be able to rate it on the actual story content, then? I don't actually see anything in this chapter so vile that you have to pass puberty to endure it...)
Parings: ErikXOC, RaoulXChristine(EWWWWWWW),OCXOC
(Parings... as in nail clippings? I think the author has just outed her age by feeling it obligatory to write EWWWWWWW! at a mere mention of any existence of R/C, but let's be fair -- she does acknowledge it.)
Disclaimer: I don't anything that deals with the Phantom!
("I don't anything" is quite a good description of this story...)
Claimer: I own characters that you don't know!
(I dare say you do, but if they don't appear then why are you telling us about it?)
Jade sat in front of her mirror and was finishing up her makeup. (Because well-brought-up girls all painted their faces.) Her hair was in a twist and had few curls that frame her face. Standing up and smoothing out her red dress, Jade pulled out her mask in the process. (One wonders just where she was extracting her mask from that involved standing up first :-p) Her dress was red (would that by any chance have been the red dress from the previous sentence?), strapless (i.e. she looked like a tart standing round in her underwear), with gold details on it and the color brought the green out in her eyes. The bottom was scrunching up (needs ironing) and golden flowers on it. Her mask was gold, with golden pearls on it (she has evolved a new colour of pearl? Spray-painted, presumably) and it made a tiara on the top (by going all the way round to the back of her head?). Golden lace ribbons help hold it to her face. Jade slowly looked at herself in the mirror and smiled at herself. (You know it's a Mary Sue when it starts with a long description of every detail of what she is wearing...) A soft knock came from the door. (Strange tappings on the walls -- it must be the Phantom!)
"It's open, Erik." She said to the door. Step in Erik(squish... oops, I stepped in Erik. Must wipe my shoe), with his black mask on his face. He was wearing the Don Juan outfit and it really suited him. Erik gasps when he saw Jade. She is stunning, more than Christine (because Mary Sue is always effortlessly superior in every way).
"Are you ready to go, Jade?" He asked her with a small smile on his face and held his arm out for her.
"Yes, I'm ready. Let's go, Monsieur Erik." She said to him and took his arm. Walking with their arms in link (Final Fantasy reference? Doesn't Link object?), they made their way to the ball. The Crowd was filled with happiness and joy. You could feel the fun and joy in the air, even though it smelled like alcohol (This would be a wonderfully cynical and dystopian image... if the author had actually intended it). The music started and everyone began to sing. Everyone wore a smile on their face as they sang. (Again, the level of repetition in this fic is such that you'd think it was a conscious attempt at a deadpan Peter-and-Jane effect... but no.)
CHORUS
Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade . . .
(Snip entire lyrics to "Masquerade", apparently not even cut and pasted but lovingly retyped by the author, since we have a RAOUL/CHIRSTINE in the middle... and she has inserted the various members of her Dust family. Seriously, you've got to give a Mary-Sue some credit for acquiring a surname as unattractive as 'Dust' ;-p)
ERIK
And what a masquerade!
Jade and Erik walk in (despite the fact that they were apparently already present for the course of the entire preceding number) and greets Jade's family.
"Monsieur Erik, What a pleasure to meet you. Jade has written about you in her letters all the time." Jake Dust, Jade's older brother, said to Erik. (So where have the rest of Jade's family been all this time? I assumed they were all living in the opera house, but apparently they're just dropping in to visit...)
"OH, Really? I'm really flatter about that, Monsieur Jake." Erik said to him. (Seriously? He's a genius composer, a great architect, a master of stagecraft and illusions, and yet the pinnacle of flattery is for the Mary Sue to mention him?)
"OH, brother, stop! You are embarrassing me. Why don't you take Rose dancing?" Jade said as her cheeks heated up.
"Too late, someone already asked her to dance with him." Jake said as he pointed at their thirteen year old sister, Rose Dust. She was dancing with a boy, same age as her, with dirty blonde hair and Jade could make out he had blue-grayish eyes (I'm assuming this is "Raul's 13 year old cousin, Damon" as trailed in Ch1. Because of course you take children to a masked ball... What is this 'dirty blonde hair' business, anyway? Is it the colour normally referred to as 'mousy'? Either way, it seems to be a deliberately unattractive term customarily aimed by fanfic writers at Raoul). Erik and Jade start to dance with Rose and the young man (so... Erik is dancing with Rose and Jade with the thirteen-year-old man? Or is it some kind of four-way figure?). Jade felt like a fairy tale princess as she danced with Erik. (Although weirdly, despite the fact that this is a costume ball she hasn't dressed as one, preferring her slutty shoulderless outfit...) Erik felt at peace with Jade in his arms. Oh, how he wish it could last forever. (No Suethor really wants an Erik at peace, because then there wouldn't be any role for the Sue to heal his wangst...) Erik turned around to see Christine and Raoul de Chagny standing there in front of the door way as he dances with Jade.
"Erik, Is that Christine?" Jade asked.
"Yes, Miss Jade. Yes, it's Christine Daae." He said to her in mono tone voice (the colour cartridge was missing). Jade knew he was upset and she wasn't going to leave him hanging (oops, who produced that lasso?). No, she was going to help him. Raoul spotted the Phantom (Damn it! They had been though all that crap and they can't learn his NAME! HIS NAME IS ERIK DON'T YOU HEAR ME, RAOUL AND CHIRSTINE (oh, the irony)! HIS NAME IS ERIK!) And he was dancing with a beautiful girl.
"Not another one" he said softly to himself (Raoul is such a BITCH! How dare he worry about history repeating itself at some unknown girl's expense?). They all made a toast to the new opera house and to the new mangers (César wasn't too happy with the diamond-studded design; he thought it was a bit unhygenic). Erik kept his eyes on Christine and Raoul as they danced and talk to the people around them. (By this point I've got a serious case of PoV whiplash; we started off in Jade's perspective, made an unannounced excursion into Raoul's head, and are apparently now privy to the Phantom's (HIS NAME IS ERIK) thoughts.)
"Erik?" Jade's voice rang in his ears. Turning around to look at her (He looked at her by revolving his ears?) and placed a small smile on his face.
"Yes, Jade?" He answers her.
"Are you sure that you are okay?" She asked with worry in her voice. She was worried about Him! This lovely, smart, funny, and beautiful lady was worried about him? Erik felt warmth fill his heart and he smiled at her. (I thought he already had a small smile plastered on his face?)
"Yes Jade, I' am perfectly and absolutely fine. Now, may I have this dance?" He asked her and held his hand out for her. She smiled back at him and took his hand.
"I take that as a yes." He said as he led them to the dance floor. Clasping one her hands in his and placing his other on her waist, He spin them around the dance floor. About half way through the dance, Erik bumped into someone.
"Oh, Excuse me." Erik said as turned around, but his jaw drop open when he saw who he bumped into.
"Hello again, Phantom."(Once again it's Erik!) Raoul said to him as warped his arm around Christine's waist. (I know Raoul's a slick mover on the dance floor, but... warp speed?)
"Hello, Angle."(Am fucking sick of saying this... IT'S ERIK!)(Well, it's certainly not "Angle"...) Christine said in a soft and sweet voice as Raoul held on to her tightly.
"Hello again, Raoul (Who gave you the right to call him 'Raoul'? You're not precisely a member of the family).... Christine." Erik said as he clasped Jade's hand into his.
"I see that you are going after another one, Phantom (ERIK!) (And why, exactly, should Raoul be addressing his enemy by the personal name of which no-one has ever been informed, and not by the self-appointed title the latter chose to use to sign his threatening letters?). Why can't you just leave the poor girl alone and figure out that no one will ever love you?" Raoul said to him with venom in his voice (Because of course the only reason why Raoul would ever be concerned about a repetition of Erik's courtship techniques is out of Sheer Meanness!). Jade's angry rage though her and she snap. (I'm starting to hear this stuff in a thick West Indian dialect: "Her angry, it rage through her, mon, and she snap")
"Listen hear and listen well (an unexpectedly poetic typo: oyez, oyez), you two don't know Erik and never will because you can't accept him for who he is inside! (The sweetest, fluffiest bunny that ever snuggled up to a Mary Sue's heart.) And you know what else I can take care of myself!" (Um... I believe the customary phrase is "I can wipe my own arse without any help from you", but I really hope that isn't what she is about to demonstrate...) She yelled at them. (You Go, Girl!) (Do. Please do.)
"Jade, calm down." Erik said.
"Don't tell me to calm down, Erik!" Jade yelled at him.
"Jade! Jade Alice Dust! You calm down right now, young lady!" Jake yelled at her. (I'm guessing the Suethor has momentarily forgotten that her self-insert character is supposed to be twenty-five and not the writer's real age...) She looked at him then back to Raoul and Christine. Crossing her arm over her chest and turning on her heels. Jade stomped away from them. (Oh, she did go :-D)
"Jade!" Erik yelled and ran after her. Christine looked after him as he ran passed them. He has completely forgotten about them. (So much for boring old Raoul and Christine; now we can get down to the real business of the chapter, the E/OC angst.) Jade stood in front statue of an angle (Obtuse? Acute?) and was prying. (Mary Sue never could keep her nose out of other people's business.)
"Please, Papa. Please, give me the power to protect Erik. You always said that everyone disserves love and to be loved back (Inflicting a Mary Sue on Erik could be counted as doing him a disservice :-p). Oh, Papa! How I wish I could tell him how feel about him. Please, Papa send me an angle of love to help me." She to the angle as tears fell down her cheeks, staining them with her eyeliner. (Painted hussy.) Her mask, long forgotten, was next to her (apparently she had been carrying it around despite having forgotten that she had taken it off...) and her hair tremble down her back (nervous at having come out of its twist?). (A/N: Jacob Dust was a big believer in love and always told his children to never get married until you were sure that you loved that person with all your soul. Also, he told his oldest daughter that he would send her an Angel of Love to her when he died and went to heaven. (What about his older son and younger daughter? Why don't they get anything?) Though, it's not going to be like: Jade is thinks the Erik is the angel like Christine did.) (So what exactly does she think the Angel of Love is going to do for her? Give her lessons in technique?)
"Jade?" Erik's voice said softly to her. Wiping around to look at him, more tears started slowly tumbling down her cheeks again. (Her tears were wiping around?)
"Oh, Erik! Please forgive me! I just can't stand people like that." He tries to say something but she stops him. "My Papa, use to tell me that everyone disserves to be love and give love to someone. That's why I snap at them (She snaps at people because they deserve to be loved?). It's just that... Someone can love you, Erik. And you can love that person back." She said as she wiped the tears away with the back of her hand.
"Oh, Jade. My Sweet, sweet Jade (I don't know where that line came from (Seriously? "My Sweet, sweet Jade" is a line of such awesomeness that it deserves its own credit?) but it sounds good!). Why do you care for me so much?" He asked as he walked up to her and pulled her into a hug, wiping the tears from her face, Erik kissed her temples. "Thank you Jade for telling me those words. They really do help." He said into her hair, taking the smell of mint and rose into his breath. It sends shivers down his back (Mint always makes me cold, too.). Jade bury her head into his chest and clutched to his shirt. She slowly takes in his warmth to warm her cold, but alive body. (Hang on. Which of these two is the skeletal, ice-cold Phantom with hands that smell of death and which is the warm, living human?) Erik rubs small circles on the small of her back (as opposed to big circles on the big of her back?) and strokes her hair ever so softly. By this time she stops crying and was just standing in his arms.
"Are you alright now, Jade?" he asked her.
"Yes, thank you Erik. Thanks for being there for me." (For doing what, exactly? For comforting her for not being able to tell him she loves him?) She said to him as they looked deep into each other eyes.
"No, thank you, Jade." He said to her as he touches her cheek. She looked at him confused at the statement. "You the first person to care, worry, and show feelings to me without caring about how I am (isn't worrying about someone more or less defined as caring about how they are?) and who I am." He said. She smiled at him, then the smiled fade.
"What's wrong, Jade?" he asked her. She looked into his blue-grayish orbs ('orbs' aside... only one character in this chapter has been announced as having "blue-grayish" eyes, and it's not Erik) and took a deep breath. He stared at her, waiting.
"Erik?" she asked
"Yes, what is it?" He said
"Will you take your mask off for me?" She asked him as she stepped out of his arms. (In the middle of a masquerade ball? Does she want to send everybody screaming again? Because that worked so well the last time the mask came off in public...)
Erik froze up and didn't move, only stared at her.
"Will you, Erik?" she asked again. Erik didn't know what to do or what to say. He didn't want her to run from him, instead he ran away from her. (You know... you could just say 'No' if you're that worried about her running away at the sight of your face. It's not that difficult. It was a question, not an ultimatum. Or don't you trust her not to take it off when you're not looking?)
"Erik! Come back please." Jade yelled to him, but he didn't stop. He could hear her running after him, so he kept going, pushing through the people, and losing her inside the backstage. Jade tripped over her dress and causing her to hike in up to her midthigh and tying it (She is running through a crowded room with her skirts round her thighs? Has she any idea what sort of attention she is going to be attracting?), so it wouldn't fall as she ran after Erik. She may know the ways of the dungeons, but she didn't know all the ways in them. Erik made it back to his lair and collapsed on his throne. Putting his head into his hands, in the first time in two years, he wept but not for Christine, for Jade. The girl has taking his heart. (Honestly, is this writer even a native speaker of English? Maybe she isn't.) Jade drop to her knees and wept (Where is she? Lost in the dungeons? She evidently didn't make it to Erik's lair...). She had hurt the man who she loved and the only one who she could count on. (Because Jake, Rose, Raoul and anyone else who shows concern for her welfare Don't Count.) How stupid she was for asking him that and how stupid he was for running away from her (We can certainly agree on at least fifty per cent of that). The clock stroked twelve and everyone throw their masks off (Aha, so that's why he ran away! He had to avoid the general unmasking!) and danced the night away, everyone except the two people, whose feelings grew stronger for each other by every passing second. Ok, maybe this is going to harder to put them together than I thought. (I think that last sentence was actually intended as yet another author's note?)
End of chapter two!
I must say that Raoul looks like the bitchy type of guy! And Christine is that stupid cheerleader blonde that everyone hates! No offense to anyone! that's how I see them! (Ironically enough, if that's really how the author sees them, the story doesn't even succeed in conveying that. Raoul is shown as protective of Christine and concerned for Jade -- Christine is shown as soft and sweet and apparently worried about Erik.)
I think it comes under the category 'wanks itself' (seriously -- it has little interpolated comments in it)...
Clearly an example of old school fanfic par excellence, from the Mary Sue's name to the vast slab of transcribed lyrics and the typos, tense whiplash and deathless prose ("She looked into his blue-grayish orbs"). I was confused by the M rating, but the author kindly explains that this is due to the 'cussing' in her comments :-p
The Phantom's Jade - Chapter 2 "The Ball and Christine Daae!"
(One can place too much meaning on the presence of the exclamation mark here; all the chapters in this story have exclamation marks in their titles. But referring to a character as 'someone's jade' is not normally considered flattering.)
Here's chapter two and warning Raoul and Christine are in this part and Raoul is a Bitch. Not Christine, she just stands there like an idoit! R&R
(It's hard to believe this author's note isn't parody -- right down to the R&R -- but apparently it's not.
Warning for the mere presence of Raoul and Christine; do even Erik-fans go that far? Also, Raoul has about one line in this chapter and Christine zero, which doesn't seem quite enough to fuel this passion of hate.)
Chapter Title: The Ball and Christine Daae!
Rating:T-M (Some cussing from me!)
(Perhaps you could have restrained yourself in order to be able to rate it on the actual story content, then? I don't actually see anything in this chapter so vile that you have to pass puberty to endure it...)
Parings: ErikXOC, RaoulXChristine(EWWWWWWW),OCXOC
(Parings... as in nail clippings? I think the author has just outed her age by feeling it obligatory to write EWWWWWWW! at a mere mention of any existence of R/C, but let's be fair -- she does acknowledge it.)
Disclaimer: I don't anything that deals with the Phantom!
("I don't anything" is quite a good description of this story...)
Claimer: I own characters that you don't know!
(I dare say you do, but if they don't appear then why are you telling us about it?)
Jade sat in front of her mirror and was finishing up her makeup. (Because well-brought-up girls all painted their faces.) Her hair was in a twist and had few curls that frame her face. Standing up and smoothing out her red dress, Jade pulled out her mask in the process. (One wonders just where she was extracting her mask from that involved standing up first :-p) Her dress was red (would that by any chance have been the red dress from the previous sentence?), strapless (i.e. she looked like a tart standing round in her underwear), with gold details on it and the color brought the green out in her eyes. The bottom was scrunching up (needs ironing) and golden flowers on it. Her mask was gold, with golden pearls on it (she has evolved a new colour of pearl? Spray-painted, presumably) and it made a tiara on the top (by going all the way round to the back of her head?). Golden lace ribbons help hold it to her face. Jade slowly looked at herself in the mirror and smiled at herself. (You know it's a Mary Sue when it starts with a long description of every detail of what she is wearing...) A soft knock came from the door. (Strange tappings on the walls -- it must be the Phantom!)
"It's open, Erik." She said to the door. Step in Erik(squish... oops, I stepped in Erik. Must wipe my shoe), with his black mask on his face. He was wearing the Don Juan outfit and it really suited him. Erik gasps when he saw Jade. She is stunning, more than Christine (because Mary Sue is always effortlessly superior in every way).
"Are you ready to go, Jade?" He asked her with a small smile on his face and held his arm out for her.
"Yes, I'm ready. Let's go, Monsieur Erik." She said to him and took his arm. Walking with their arms in link (Final Fantasy reference? Doesn't Link object?), they made their way to the ball. The Crowd was filled with happiness and joy. You could feel the fun and joy in the air, even though it smelled like alcohol (This would be a wonderfully cynical and dystopian image... if the author had actually intended it). The music started and everyone began to sing. Everyone wore a smile on their face as they sang. (Again, the level of repetition in this fic is such that you'd think it was a conscious attempt at a deadpan Peter-and-Jane effect... but no.)
CHORUS
Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade . . .
(Snip entire lyrics to "Masquerade", apparently not even cut and pasted but lovingly retyped by the author, since we have a RAOUL/CHIRSTINE in the middle... and she has inserted the various members of her Dust family. Seriously, you've got to give a Mary-Sue some credit for acquiring a surname as unattractive as 'Dust' ;-p)
ERIK
And what a masquerade!
Jade and Erik walk in (despite the fact that they were apparently already present for the course of the entire preceding number) and greets Jade's family.
"Monsieur Erik, What a pleasure to meet you. Jade has written about you in her letters all the time." Jake Dust, Jade's older brother, said to Erik. (So where have the rest of Jade's family been all this time? I assumed they were all living in the opera house, but apparently they're just dropping in to visit...)
"OH, Really? I'm really flatter about that, Monsieur Jake." Erik said to him. (Seriously? He's a genius composer, a great architect, a master of stagecraft and illusions, and yet the pinnacle of flattery is for the Mary Sue to mention him?)
"OH, brother, stop! You are embarrassing me. Why don't you take Rose dancing?" Jade said as her cheeks heated up.
"Too late, someone already asked her to dance with him." Jake said as he pointed at their thirteen year old sister, Rose Dust. She was dancing with a boy, same age as her, with dirty blonde hair and Jade could make out he had blue-grayish eyes (I'm assuming this is "Raul's 13 year old cousin, Damon" as trailed in Ch1. Because of course you take children to a masked ball... What is this 'dirty blonde hair' business, anyway? Is it the colour normally referred to as 'mousy'? Either way, it seems to be a deliberately unattractive term customarily aimed by fanfic writers at Raoul). Erik and Jade start to dance with Rose and the young man (so... Erik is dancing with Rose and Jade with the thirteen-year-old man? Or is it some kind of four-way figure?). Jade felt like a fairy tale princess as she danced with Erik. (Although weirdly, despite the fact that this is a costume ball she hasn't dressed as one, preferring her slutty shoulderless outfit...) Erik felt at peace with Jade in his arms. Oh, how he wish it could last forever. (No Suethor really wants an Erik at peace, because then there wouldn't be any role for the Sue to heal his wangst...) Erik turned around to see Christine and Raoul de Chagny standing there in front of the door way as he dances with Jade.
"Erik, Is that Christine?" Jade asked.
"Yes, Miss Jade. Yes, it's Christine Daae." He said to her in mono tone voice (the colour cartridge was missing). Jade knew he was upset and she wasn't going to leave him hanging (oops, who produced that lasso?). No, she was going to help him. Raoul spotted the Phantom (Damn it! They had been though all that crap and they can't learn his NAME! HIS NAME IS ERIK DON'T YOU HEAR ME, RAOUL AND CHIRSTINE (oh, the irony)! HIS NAME IS ERIK!) And he was dancing with a beautiful girl.
"Not another one" he said softly to himself (Raoul is such a BITCH! How dare he worry about history repeating itself at some unknown girl's expense?). They all made a toast to the new opera house and to the new mangers (César wasn't too happy with the diamond-studded design; he thought it was a bit unhygenic). Erik kept his eyes on Christine and Raoul as they danced and talk to the people around them. (By this point I've got a serious case of PoV whiplash; we started off in Jade's perspective, made an unannounced excursion into Raoul's head, and are apparently now privy to the Phantom's (HIS NAME IS ERIK) thoughts.)
"Erik?" Jade's voice rang in his ears. Turning around to look at her (He looked at her by revolving his ears?) and placed a small smile on his face.
"Yes, Jade?" He answers her.
"Are you sure that you are okay?" She asked with worry in her voice. She was worried about Him! This lovely, smart, funny, and beautiful lady was worried about him? Erik felt warmth fill his heart and he smiled at her. (I thought he already had a small smile plastered on his face?)
"Yes Jade, I' am perfectly and absolutely fine. Now, may I have this dance?" He asked her and held his hand out for her. She smiled back at him and took his hand.
"I take that as a yes." He said as he led them to the dance floor. Clasping one her hands in his and placing his other on her waist, He spin them around the dance floor. About half way through the dance, Erik bumped into someone.
"Oh, Excuse me." Erik said as turned around, but his jaw drop open when he saw who he bumped into.
"Hello again, Phantom."(Once again it's Erik!) Raoul said to him as warped his arm around Christine's waist. (I know Raoul's a slick mover on the dance floor, but... warp speed?)
"Hello, Angle."(Am fucking sick of saying this... IT'S ERIK!)(Well, it's certainly not "Angle"...) Christine said in a soft and sweet voice as Raoul held on to her tightly.
"Hello again, Raoul (Who gave you the right to call him 'Raoul'? You're not precisely a member of the family).... Christine." Erik said as he clasped Jade's hand into his.
"I see that you are going after another one, Phantom (ERIK!) (And why, exactly, should Raoul be addressing his enemy by the personal name of which no-one has ever been informed, and not by the self-appointed title the latter chose to use to sign his threatening letters?). Why can't you just leave the poor girl alone and figure out that no one will ever love you?" Raoul said to him with venom in his voice (Because of course the only reason why Raoul would ever be concerned about a repetition of Erik's courtship techniques is out of Sheer Meanness!). Jade's angry rage though her and she snap. (I'm starting to hear this stuff in a thick West Indian dialect: "Her angry, it rage through her, mon, and she snap")
"Listen hear and listen well (an unexpectedly poetic typo: oyez, oyez), you two don't know Erik and never will because you can't accept him for who he is inside! (The sweetest, fluffiest bunny that ever snuggled up to a Mary Sue's heart.) And you know what else I can take care of myself!" (Um... I believe the customary phrase is "I can wipe my own arse without any help from you", but I really hope that isn't what she is about to demonstrate...) She yelled at them. (You Go, Girl!) (Do. Please do.)
"Jade, calm down." Erik said.
"Don't tell me to calm down, Erik!" Jade yelled at him.
"Jade! Jade Alice Dust! You calm down right now, young lady!" Jake yelled at her. (I'm guessing the Suethor has momentarily forgotten that her self-insert character is supposed to be twenty-five and not the writer's real age...) She looked at him then back to Raoul and Christine. Crossing her arm over her chest and turning on her heels. Jade stomped away from them. (Oh, she did go :-D)
"Jade!" Erik yelled and ran after her. Christine looked after him as he ran passed them. He has completely forgotten about them. (So much for boring old Raoul and Christine; now we can get down to the real business of the chapter, the E/OC angst.) Jade stood in front statue of an angle (Obtuse? Acute?) and was prying. (Mary Sue never could keep her nose out of other people's business.)
"Please, Papa. Please, give me the power to protect Erik. You always said that everyone disserves love and to be loved back (Inflicting a Mary Sue on Erik could be counted as doing him a disservice :-p). Oh, Papa! How I wish I could tell him how feel about him. Please, Papa send me an angle of love to help me." She to the angle as tears fell down her cheeks, staining them with her eyeliner. (Painted hussy.) Her mask, long forgotten, was next to her (apparently she had been carrying it around despite having forgotten that she had taken it off...) and her hair tremble down her back (nervous at having come out of its twist?). (A/N: Jacob Dust was a big believer in love and always told his children to never get married until you were sure that you loved that person with all your soul. Also, he told his oldest daughter that he would send her an Angel of Love to her when he died and went to heaven. (What about his older son and younger daughter? Why don't they get anything?) Though, it's not going to be like: Jade is thinks the Erik is the angel like Christine did.) (So what exactly does she think the Angel of Love is going to do for her? Give her lessons in technique?)
"Jade?" Erik's voice said softly to her. Wiping around to look at him, more tears started slowly tumbling down her cheeks again. (Her tears were wiping around?)
"Oh, Erik! Please forgive me! I just can't stand people like that." He tries to say something but she stops him. "My Papa, use to tell me that everyone disserves to be love and give love to someone. That's why I snap at them (She snaps at people because they deserve to be loved?). It's just that... Someone can love you, Erik. And you can love that person back." She said as she wiped the tears away with the back of her hand.
"Oh, Jade. My Sweet, sweet Jade (I don't know where that line came from (Seriously? "My Sweet, sweet Jade" is a line of such awesomeness that it deserves its own credit?) but it sounds good!). Why do you care for me so much?" He asked as he walked up to her and pulled her into a hug, wiping the tears from her face, Erik kissed her temples. "Thank you Jade for telling me those words. They really do help." He said into her hair, taking the smell of mint and rose into his breath. It sends shivers down his back (Mint always makes me cold, too.). Jade bury her head into his chest and clutched to his shirt. She slowly takes in his warmth to warm her cold, but alive body. (Hang on. Which of these two is the skeletal, ice-cold Phantom with hands that smell of death and which is the warm, living human?) Erik rubs small circles on the small of her back (as opposed to big circles on the big of her back?) and strokes her hair ever so softly. By this time she stops crying and was just standing in his arms.
"Are you alright now, Jade?" he asked her.
"Yes, thank you Erik. Thanks for being there for me." (For doing what, exactly? For comforting her for not being able to tell him she loves him?) She said to him as they looked deep into each other eyes.
"No, thank you, Jade." He said to her as he touches her cheek. She looked at him confused at the statement. "You the first person to care, worry, and show feelings to me without caring about how I am (isn't worrying about someone more or less defined as caring about how they are?) and who I am." He said. She smiled at him, then the smiled fade.
"What's wrong, Jade?" he asked her. She looked into his blue-grayish orbs ('orbs' aside... only one character in this chapter has been announced as having "blue-grayish" eyes, and it's not Erik) and took a deep breath. He stared at her, waiting.
"Erik?" she asked
"Yes, what is it?" He said
"Will you take your mask off for me?" She asked him as she stepped out of his arms. (In the middle of a masquerade ball? Does she want to send everybody screaming again? Because that worked so well the last time the mask came off in public...)
Erik froze up and didn't move, only stared at her.
"Will you, Erik?" she asked again. Erik didn't know what to do or what to say. He didn't want her to run from him, instead he ran away from her. (You know... you could just say 'No' if you're that worried about her running away at the sight of your face. It's not that difficult. It was a question, not an ultimatum. Or don't you trust her not to take it off when you're not looking?)
"Erik! Come back please." Jade yelled to him, but he didn't stop. He could hear her running after him, so he kept going, pushing through the people, and losing her inside the backstage. Jade tripped over her dress and causing her to hike in up to her midthigh and tying it (She is running through a crowded room with her skirts round her thighs? Has she any idea what sort of attention she is going to be attracting?), so it wouldn't fall as she ran after Erik. She may know the ways of the dungeons, but she didn't know all the ways in them. Erik made it back to his lair and collapsed on his throne. Putting his head into his hands, in the first time in two years, he wept but not for Christine, for Jade. The girl has taking his heart. (Honestly, is this writer even a native speaker of English? Maybe she isn't.) Jade drop to her knees and wept (Where is she? Lost in the dungeons? She evidently didn't make it to Erik's lair...). She had hurt the man who she loved and the only one who she could count on. (Because Jake, Rose, Raoul and anyone else who shows concern for her welfare Don't Count.) How stupid she was for asking him that and how stupid he was for running away from her (We can certainly agree on at least fifty per cent of that). The clock stroked twelve and everyone throw their masks off (Aha, so that's why he ran away! He had to avoid the general unmasking!) and danced the night away, everyone except the two people, whose feelings grew stronger for each other by every passing second. Ok, maybe this is going to harder to put them together than I thought. (I think that last sentence was actually intended as yet another author's note?)
End of chapter two!
I must say that Raoul looks like the bitchy type of guy! And Christine is that stupid cheerleader blonde that everyone hates! No offense to anyone! that's how I see them! (Ironically enough, if that's really how the author sees them, the story doesn't even succeed in conveying that. Raoul is shown as protective of Christine and concerned for Jade -- Christine is shown as soft and sweet and apparently worried about Erik.)
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Strapless red dress and make-up? I think even a saloon girl would tell her to dial it down a bit... And does the color red really bring out green eyes?
Erik didn't make a new outfit for the Ball for himself? Now that's what I call lazy.
"Leave him hanging" does sound very awkward in any story with Erik in it. :D
Her repeating Erik's name in brackets after every mention of the Phantom reminds me of the audience participation screenings of Rocky Horror, where audience screams "Asshole!" and "Slut" every time Brad and Janet appear.
"angry rage"???
Statue of an angle in the XIX century? I bet the sculptor was a true visionary.
This Mary Sue is basically "Christine but cooler". Bleh. I prefer more original ones.
The typos are so consistent I'm starting to suspect it's a rather subtle parody. Or the author is very young and really bad at English.
It's probably Gerik so no smelly skeletal hands here. :D
I feel bad for blonde cheerleaders now. :(
"Christine is shown as soft and sweet and apparently worried about Erik" And she even calls him "angel"! (Sorry, "angle".) Which I hate but it's a very common thing in fanfics.
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Chapter 1 mostly consists of the lyrics to the "Phantom of the Opera" song, but it does contain a few gems. And of course the Mary Sue has a better voice than Christine even without any training whatsoever... A voice rang in his ears, a sweet voice, sweeter than Christine Daae. He wonders to the halls of his dungeon, his prison. He sang back to the voice hopping that he would get a reply. (boing! boing!)
She smiled and singed again as he walked towards her without thinking -- clearly he really sets her on fire ;-p
His body was a pale-tan, lean, firm muscle -- presumably he goes up to the roof of the opera to work on that tan? He certainly doesn't get it underground.
Also, what on earth is he wearing that enables her to see what colour his body is, anyway? (Not much, obviously :-p)
I know these ways since I was a child. I grow up in this opera house. -- ah, she goes one better than Movie-Christine. She is actually born in the opera and spends her childhood running around the catacombs, apparently without the Phantom noticing -- we're told that she is older than Christine :-P
Erik was stiff from the contact of another human and tried to focus on not dropping her on the ground. Lucky, he didn't drop her and broke her neck into two. -- all right, I actually did laugh out loud at this priceless line :-D Very lucky he didn't accidentally break her neck in two, yes...
A couple months later: The opera house was back to its formal glory. The newspapers were filled about Erik and Jade and that protected Erik from the police.
Quickest restoration ever. Easiest way to dodge a murder conviction ever ;-p
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